Penny off the pint? VOTE UK1P for a whole pint off the pint!

George Osborne formalized his opinion of the electorate with a budget stating “I’ll buy your future for a shiny copper piece, you drunken peons”. Here at UK1P we’d never dream of insulting you like that. Because we’ve just seen that it doesn’t work. No, we’re here to make you a much better offer:

A whole pint off every pint.

Every drink in the country FREE the night we take power. Well, it’ll be a going-away party, won’t it. A great big sending off party celebrating the United Kingdom One Person party’s pledge to get rid of everyone in the country except for one person. And since that person won’t be able to drink all the liquor in the country anyway, or at least not without causing the quick extinction of the nation, it’s effectively free for us to reduce the tax, VAT, duty, and price of every drink to zero. And it’ll make it all the easier to shovel the unconscious bodies into padded trucks for deportation in the morning.

Not you, of course. When you vote for UK1P you’ll be left in a glorious free country with no debt and zero unemployment (since you’ll immediately have every job you could want from prime minister down to street sweeper, depending on how useful you feel like being that day). Never again will you have to wait at the bar, and never again will you have to listen to sum drunk arsehole staggering down the street naked and singing. Unless you feel like it and can find an alley with an echo.

VOTE UK1P: A PINT OFF THE PINT.

Does UK1P Support Leaving the EU?

No, we don’t support leaving the EU. We also don’t support replacing smartphones with shouting, trading in cars for horses, or replacing world atlases with signs around the English coast saying “WARNING: DRAGONS AHEAD.” You’ll notice that every other country in the world is trying to either join its neighbours or eat them entirely, on the ground that bigger units survive better.

Ideally we’d like the UK to fully integrate with the EU, and then for everyone else to leave the EU, so that just one person had everything. We’re just taking the restriction of resources to a favoured elite to its logical conclusion.

Failing that, if we do have to leave the EU, we’d like to take that attitude to its ultimate conclusion and leave the Earth entirely. In which case we wouldn’t just be in favor of refusing immigrants, but of actively ejecting emigrants. We calculate that launching one emigrant per second at sufficient velocity will be able to boost an entire empty United Kingdom into low Earth orbit by 2017. Though it might be a bit less united once we reach orbital velocity with all the little island bits flying off into space. Still, I think the Isle of Man might like it on the Moon. And maybe the vacuum of deep space will stop everyone shouting so much.

Who will be the one person left in the UK?

Promising millions of people that they’ll all have the country to themselves isn’t any more unrealistic than other promises made in the run-up to an election. If little things like logical contradiction and total impossibility were allowed to silence political debate things would be very different.

Besides, we’re promising every voter that we’ll get rid of everyone else in the country, and we’ll absolutely do that. Satisfying 64 million promises out of 64 million and one is a better percentage than any other politician in history. In fact, by satisfying 64 million promises to 64 million people, we’ll have kept 4.1 quadrillion election pledges. That’s more than every other political party ever to exist put together.

Of course, once was elected with the political mandate to get rid of everyone in the country except for one person, I would be in the absolute best position to do that. And if I happened to find myself in an elevated position, with a generous expense account, and access to the wealth and power of an entire country which I could use for my own benefit, well, at least I’d be the first politician honestly elected to do that.

But of course, dear voter, you’ll be the one person. That’s why it’s called YOU-K One Person.

Do you support the pound?

Listen, we’ve got more serious problems than the flavor of our money. The amount for one thing. Anybody arguing about keeping coins a certain shape doesn’t seem to know what they’re for. Give them something shiny so they can go play with the rest of the magpies while we get on with fixing things

We don’t even use the pound for weight any more and we invented that. We’d rather buy a kilo of sugar than have to sit down in the shop because we’re using our feet to measure things and converting from half-tuns to groat-fathoms.

With only one person in the country we’re going to have order a lot of stuff in. I mean, the balance of trade statement is going to be an Amazon receipt, so we need to join all the countries in the rest of the world. Er, without killing them in the process. This time. Honestly, if the worst that happens is we get brightly colored banknotes instead of every other country queueing up to take turns at stabbing us, I’m going to say we got off lightly.

What is UK1P’s Defence Policy?

Well, Britain’s defense policy has always been the nuclear deterrent. And the only thing that could be more deterring than an ex-Empire mentality playing with four nuclear-ballistic-launch capable nuclear submarines is one person playing around with four nuclear-ballistic-launch capable nuclear submarines. Of course, we won’t be able to crew them any more.

My first act in parliament will be to get the departing sailors to haul the HMS Vengeance into London and park it on its nose beside Nelson’s column. I mean, just having the things means telling everyone we’re prepared to obliterate millions of them in pointless nuclear fire at a moment’s notice. It’s not like they could defend anything, once we start nuking the UK will be a million meters of glass runway. May as well use one of the stupid subs to show we’re willing to share that situation. Of course, it’ll only kill one person now. And even then only if I’m crashing in Buckingham Palace at the time.

Why the name UK1P?

Well, we considered several names. We thought of UKiP, to represent our totally imaginary solutions to all the country’s problems. Or UKP, which was just generally connecting the idea of the United Kingdom and our desire to become a powerful political Party. We also considered the United Kingdom Idiot Party. But it turns out that all those attitudes have already been taken by another party. The name of which escapes me at the moment. So, UK1P.

Vote UK1P. The United Kingdom One Person party.

What is UK1P?

VOTE UK1P, the United Kingdom One Person party, a bold vision to reduce the population of the UK to one person. This will eliminate all problems while allowing us to focus the entire wealth of the nation on a smaller, more deserving group. Of one person. Let’s face it, that’s the system they’re all using, we’re just taking it to its logical conclusion. And as long as we’re trying to get your vote, you can bet we’ll claim that person is you.